On Marriage - My Personal Experience with the Indian Society

Recently I got married to my girlfriend. Only when the both of us were left alone that we felt normal like we used to feel.

Marriages in India are a huge thing, the families are united and there are a lot of functions and rituals. Even though it was considerably minimal in our case, it still made us choke especially my wife. I could feel her uneasiness whenever she was faced with a set of standardized questions and so called “facts of life”. Let me share some of those… what have you cooked after you went to your husband’s home? Did you even prepare a cup of tea for your husband and your in- laws? What sort of dishes do you know to prepare? And the facts went like: “you should take care of your husband”, “you should wash his clothes” and so on. I was disturbed but I was the type who never showed public discord unless my temper gets the best of me; so I was a silent observer to all these madness. I felt helpless, and I understood her helplessness, fatigue and the mental torture she faced. She was highly disturbed and I understood the need to be supportive at this stage rather than becoming angry at her unexplained moody behaviours and tantrums in our only private space for many days – our bedroom. I wondered how it would impact and influence thoughts of a man in case of an arranged marriage having no past experience of knowing each other; the thing that made me wonder so was talks from everyone when we were visiting them; that she doesn’t know how to cook, doesn’t know how to take care of a family and so on. To be honest, it was nothing but a portrayal of how incapable she was, a woman I know to be entirely opposite and how I admired her for being capable of a million things.

Well then let us talk about how people behaved with me; my parents were normal and I was at the comfort of my house. Everywhere else I was like a prince, being fed, taken care of, discussing “manly” things, telling me to make her do things. I was highly uncomfortable as I was raised to wash my own plates, my clothes (of course my Mom used to wash it when I was young, after which it was just orders to wash them), clean my own room or live in a dirty room and so on. I was allowed to prepare food in the kitchen to loiter around in the kitchen and observe the process of cooking, there were days when I would prepare some dish for the family too. Which in turn led me to an interest in cooking, I can say that I would be able to prepare a whole meal for a family or when friends and family come over. Now let me highlight the importance of this background history about me which I just shared. I was shocked to hear from my colleagues and friends that their mothers still do their laundry, the ages of the people I mention here ranges from 25 to 28, I understood that many of my male friends were not allowed into the kitchen saying that it is a woman’s place and cooking is the “duty” of women. I am no psychologist but I don’t need to be one to understand the attitude of these kind of male children when they become men and I believe I don’t have to explain it here.

Suddenly it struck up on me that it was indeed the “prince and the maid” as my wife mentioned earlier and not the fairy-tale version that we read while growing up. This doesn’t mean that only girl children are treated in a different way. Male children are raised in a terrible manner too, the usual words we hear are “don’t cry like a girl, only girls cry”, “don’t run like a girl”, “don’t walk like a girl”, “don’t talk like a girl” and so on, whatever is negative (the word don’t) has been associated with a girl, portraying them mainly as physically and emotionally weak. After a certain age I found it quite amusing as tears would form in my eyes if I see a movie scene where a son and father hugs, yeah talk to me about not crying! I used to cry a lot and it made me emotionally strong rather than weak, there is a magic to crying, with the tears your sadness seems to flow away too. What children observe are their mothers waking up in the morning, making tea, breakfast, and lunch, pack it in boxes etc. and that is irrespective of being a working or non-working mother. Working mothers seems to have no personal time of their own except on holidays, that too for a few hours. A male child sees a woman as the one who does all the household chores, father as the one who decides everything and be authoritative in every aspect. Let me ask you one question, who doesn’t like being a boss, having an authoritative power over other people? That is precisely what a male child learns to become until he starts to think for himself or unless he is not observing the above mentioned trend.

Going into a marriage a man expects a million things from his wife, coupled with that, in case it is an arranged marriage what option does women have? Take a moment and just imagine being in their shoes. Imagine that after marriage you are supposed to stay at her home, you are expected to wake up early, make tea for everyone, do household chores, do your wife’s laundry, iron your wife’s clothes, prepare and pack lunch for your wife and in laws, get ready after that, tell sorry to your wife and family for making them wait because you got ready late, go to work, get exhausted, come back home and prepare tea for everyone, cook and clean the utensils and after everything, when you are tired and you just want to rest no matter what, your wife is lying in the bed demanding to make love and forcing herself on you when you have to do these things the very next day.

Another thing that always amused me were the wife jokes and memes that floats around in our social media. When the woman in question is a man’s mother, she is seen as dignified, provider of love and care, the warmth and so on, as soon as she’s on the other side and is a wife, things just change; she is nagging, short tempered, overly possessive etc… From what I have observed throughout my life so far are women sacrificing their dreams and career so that a man can pursue his. I am in no way saying a man shouldn’t, but if there needs to be some sacrifice, shouldn’t there be a balanced approach to that too.

I for one want these to change and I strongly believe there are a lot of people who are on the same boat as I am. In my opinion, for these to change each one of us have to change so that the next generation can visualize and learn from us, at home let the husband and wife share the work, let your children (both male & female) get involved in activities, tell your children to clean their rooms even if you have a maid, tell them to clean the dishes they use. Teach them how to wash clothes, to help in cooking, cleaning and household chores. Let your children observe and learn that a husband and wife are sharing equal responsibilities in a household.

I would also like to add on that it is quite easy to give your smartphone/ tablet/ computer to your young ones so that they won’t demand too much attention from you. When they demand phones, put it away and go play with them, play board games with them, read books to them, just repeat what our parents did to us in this aspect. A particular emphasis on this point is required as the content on the internet and television is just nothing short of trash these days (I don’t deny that there is good content but a major chunk of today’s entertainment shows/ cartoons/ videos are too stereotypical and short sighted). Above all, let your children know how to be a good human being, because that is not something good grades and rich lifestyle alone can fetch.

Environmental Responsibility

I want to write this post as an Indian to my fellow Indians after observing something which touched my heart.

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How often have we seen boards and signals in many places not to throw waste, we refuse to obey it. Most people say that there is simply no space or a dustbin to dispose a plastic bottle or a chocolate wrapper. I do agree that our waste management is poor; but I am not talking about waste management.

Aren’t we responsible for the environment that we live in?

Aren’t we responsible for the future generation’s opportunity to enjoy nature/ environment as we enjoyed it or even more than what we did?
Yes, we are responsible for both, I do not intend to enlighten you with facts about plastic, but think about your own children, do you think they are drinking good water, if you do; aren’t we the ones who polluted the sources? Each and every one of us? Similarly we have been polluting nature in many ways.
I have observed that people refuse to use a dustbin even when there is one. Near to where I stay right now, there are two large bins for throwing waste which will be emptied in the morning. People are still reluctant to walk extra few meters to drop waste into those bins, rather they prefer to throw it around in a manner that is convenient for them.
We all know how filthy our Cities and Towns are despite it sporting a clean look at main city areas, I do not wish to elaborate on it further. However I would like to bring forward an experience from my trip to Athirapally Waterfall, while climbing down it was quite visible that the people have been throwing all kinds of trash in the way from plastic to degradable waste. All I could do was notice and feel irritated. But on my way back I came across a woman from France who was picking up plastic waste and collecting it in a plastic cover which someone has thrown away. I was humbled by her and she made me look like a worthless human. My initial thoughts were honestly to walk by just like everyone else, but some instinct kicked in me and I helped her collect the waste and throw it in the bin allotted for the very purpose.
It brings us to the question, are we doing enough to keep our surroundings safe and pollution free for the current generation, the next generation and for all life on earth. I stop this post here for you to think further on this issue

The Brick Wall - Part One: Hitting It and Staying There

Before starting this, I would like to warn you that, the paragraphs or sentences may not have any connection. But it will be still in a readable and understandable form. Please bear with me for my bad usage of English and inaccurate writing style if you intend to read further. 

At some point in our lives we tend to hit a brick wall. It feels like there is nothing beyond it. That feeling pulls us apart mentally and emotionally, builds up the feeling of despair. It will haunt you pretty bad. It will make you lazy, distracted, and some tend to put on weight.

In this world we want a lot of things, we want to own many things. My friend has a bigger car, a better motorbike, a better smartphone... Yes, that can be a pressure. We want a good job that pays well, find a good spouse, have a good family life and so on. But it seems like a distant dream. In every country the situation is different, so external factors differ. I intend to look upon those about India in a different article. But still the internal factor is mostly the same. 

Every single day is a day of shame, waking up with high spirits, or should I say going to bed the previous day with high spirits, waking up and realising that you still don't feel those high spirits you felt the previous night, so no exercise today, no walking, no reading the newspaper, just sulking in my room not knowing what to do, feeling restrained monetarily and emotionally, feeling let down... Yet you still wake up, have a cup of tea, then you realise you have nowhere else to go, unemployed!

I don't have money, I am ashamed to ask my parents for it, my friends... So what about the new car? That new smartphone? Well that's a distant dream now. Then you feel like reading something or doing something to get yourself a job, the rusted brain gifts us with a high inertia to get up and do it, we prefer the couch mode, its easier to stretch legs and watch television and eat. Who cares? I don't have to pay the Cable Bill, the Electricity Bill, the couch can take my weight...

Choices and the blame game.

Next comes the blame game that develops in our mind, we feed it, we dwell in the past and that adds fuel to the fire and finally we unleash it on someone who cares for us a lot, if you are married, your spouse, else girlfriends/ boyfriends, parents, they all have to cope with your emotional outburst. That's when they finally know you are in a bad state. Instead of doing this we could have gone to them and talked about it, it really would have been less painful for us and them, Yes, we thought we shouldn't trouble others.

Life is full of choices and people, people have different opinion, people share it, But... we can make our choices and go ahead... But we didn't. So we can't blame them for where we landed. We dreamt of landing in the Swiss Alps, but here we are in Guantanamo Bay, it was our plane to fly, not a simulation game to let others use the joystick, we chose to make it a simulation game rather than taking the pain to learn to fly. Humans search for comfort. We are wired that way, but sometimes you need to make the choices on your own.

Then we finally start to walk and move trying to break the inertia but we feel the G Force pulling us back down, yet we manage it somehow, but the cycle ends soon and we are still in neck deep depression. Bailing us out can help, but professional hands are better. Meeting a psychiatrist doesn't mean you are a mental patient. You need help. Some just catch up from there, while some take it in and flush it out, whereas the majority won't go. 

So there we stay depressed facing the wall, not knowing what to do, yes we chose bad and we really want to get out of this but we can't, I know that its easy for people to say work hard you are just lazy, but for them I have to say, It is a little bit beyond laziness.

I will be writing the second part soon. Thanks for reading, comments are welcome.

                                                                     PEACE