Recently I got married to my girlfriend. Only when the both of us were left alone that we felt normal like we used to feel.
Marriages in India are a huge thing, the
families are united and there are a lot of functions and rituals. Even
though it was considerably minimal in our case, it still made us choke
especially my wife. I could feel her uneasiness whenever she was faced
with a set of standardized questions and so called “facts of life”. Let
me share some of those… what have you cooked after you went to your
husband’s home? Did you even prepare a cup of tea for your husband and
your in- laws? What sort of dishes do you know to prepare? And the facts
went like: “you should take care of your husband”, “you should wash his
clothes” and so on. I was disturbed but I was the type who never showed
public discord unless my temper gets the best of me; so I was a silent
observer to all these madness. I felt helpless, and I understood her
helplessness, fatigue and the mental torture she faced. She was highly
disturbed and I understood the need to be supportive at this stage
rather than becoming angry at her unexplained moody behaviours and
tantrums in our only private space for many days – our bedroom. I
wondered how it would impact and influence thoughts of a man in case of
an arranged marriage having no past experience of knowing each other;
the thing that made me wonder so was talks from everyone when we were
visiting them; that she doesn’t know how to cook, doesn’t know how to
take care of a family and so on. To be honest, it was nothing but a
portrayal of how incapable she was, a woman I know to be entirely
opposite and how I admired her for being capable of a million things.
Well then let us talk about how people
behaved with me; my parents were normal and I was at the comfort of my
house. Everywhere else I was like a prince, being fed, taken care of,
discussing “manly” things, telling me to make her do things. I was
highly uncomfortable as I was raised to wash my own plates, my clothes
(of course my Mom used to wash it when I was young, after which it was
just orders to wash them), clean my own room or live in a dirty room and
so on. I was allowed to prepare food in the kitchen to loiter around in
the kitchen and observe the process of cooking, there were days when I
would prepare some dish for the family too. Which in turn led me to an
interest in cooking, I can say that I would be able to prepare a whole
meal for a family or when friends and family come over. Now let me
highlight the importance of this background history about me which I
just shared. I was shocked to hear from my colleagues and friends that
their mothers still do their laundry, the ages of the people I mention
here ranges from 25 to 28, I understood that many of my male friends
were not allowed into the kitchen saying that it is a woman’s place and
cooking is the “duty” of women. I am no psychologist but I don’t need to
be one to understand the attitude of these kind of male children when
they become men and I believe I don’t have to explain it here.
Suddenly it struck up on me that it was
indeed the “prince and the maid” as my wife mentioned earlier and not
the fairy-tale version that we read while growing up. This doesn’t mean
that only girl children are treated in a different way. Male children
are raised in a terrible manner too, the usual words we hear are “don’t
cry like a girl, only girls cry”, “don’t run like a girl”, “don’t walk
like a girl”, “don’t talk like a girl” and so on, whatever is negative
(the word don’t) has been associated with a girl, portraying them mainly
as physically and emotionally weak. After a certain age I found it
quite amusing as tears would form in my eyes if I see a movie scene
where a son and father hugs, yeah talk to me about not crying! I used to
cry a lot and it made me emotionally strong rather than weak, there is a
magic to crying, with the tears your sadness seems to flow away too.
What children observe are their mothers waking up in the morning, making
tea, breakfast, and lunch, pack it in boxes etc. and that is
irrespective of being a working or non-working mother. Working mothers
seems to have no personal time of their own except on holidays, that too
for a few hours. A male child sees a woman as the one who does all the
household chores, father as the one who decides everything and be
authoritative in every aspect. Let me ask you one question, who doesn’t
like being a boss, having an authoritative power over other people? That
is precisely what a male child learns to become until he starts to
think for himself or unless he is not observing the above mentioned
trend.
Going into a marriage a man expects a
million things from his wife, coupled with that, in case it is an
arranged marriage what option does women have? Take a moment and just
imagine being in their shoes. Imagine that after marriage you are
supposed to stay at her home, you are expected to wake up early, make
tea for everyone, do household chores, do your wife’s laundry, iron your
wife’s clothes, prepare and pack lunch for your wife and in laws, get
ready after that, tell sorry to your wife and family for making them
wait because you got ready late, go to work, get exhausted, come back
home and prepare tea for everyone, cook and clean the utensils and after
everything, when you are tired and you just want to rest no matter
what, your wife is lying in the bed demanding to make love and forcing
herself on you when you have to do these things the very next day.
Another thing that always amused me were
the wife jokes and memes that floats around in our social media. When
the woman in question is a man’s mother, she is seen as dignified,
provider of love and care, the warmth and so on, as soon as she’s on the
other side and is a wife, things just change; she is nagging, short
tempered, overly possessive etc… From what I have observed throughout my
life so far are women sacrificing their dreams and career so that a man
can pursue his. I am in no way saying a man shouldn’t, but if there
needs to be some sacrifice, shouldn’t there be a balanced approach to
that too.
I for one want these to change and I
strongly believe there are a lot of people who are on the same boat as I
am. In my opinion, for these to change each one of us have to change so
that the next generation can visualize and learn from us, at home let
the husband and wife share the work, let your children (both male &
female) get involved in activities, tell your children to clean their
rooms even if you have a maid, tell them to clean the dishes they use.
Teach them how to wash clothes, to help in cooking, cleaning and
household chores. Let your children observe and learn that a husband and
wife are sharing equal responsibilities in a household.
I would also like to add on that it is
quite easy to give your smartphone/ tablet/ computer to your young ones
so that they won’t demand too much attention from you. When they demand
phones, put it away and go play with them, play board games with them,
read books to them, just repeat what our parents did to us in this
aspect. A particular emphasis on this point is required as the content
on the internet and television is just nothing short of trash these days
(I don’t deny that there is good content but a major chunk of today’s
entertainment shows/ cartoons/ videos are too stereotypical and short
sighted). Above all, let your children know how to be a good human
being, because that is not something good grades and rich lifestyle
alone can fetch.
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